I'm here but not here, as it seems to be these days. I could give the usual round of excuse/reasons but why bother? It isn't that you aren't important or that my need to put my ideas out there isn't important. The problem seems to be my inability to crystalize anything in my head. I work and come home, all the time my brain has these concepts and ideas. Part of this absence is to blame on work, just not the superficial part in that it takes up my time. Deeper than that is how I have different, higher expectations laid on me and that has forced my brain to actually think again. Many times before this I have said how my brain is not my friend. It spends its time getting me diverted on ego trips or ego falls based on events that haven't actually happened. When I realized what it was trying to do, the onslaught became worse even as I became stronger and developed self understanding. Yet, it got what it wanted because I was still looking inward instead of living outward. Of course, now that it has something functional to do in interpreting and analyzing data, perhaps it was just bored before. Now it thinks about things like: what is the transmission rate of ideas, what does it take to believe, how does communication methods and language affect belief and ideas? And I find that I want to know the answer to these things.
There is a problem with this though. The ideas that I have are still at the conceptual stage. Complicating that is they are tied into issues of lifestyle and habits. The more that I start thinking about these ideas and the problems that we have as a culture (I apologize for being so vague here. I'm still trying to make sense of all this to myself), the more I realize that I can't be all cerebral about it and count myself outside of the problem. So, I now question myself and my habits and what can be done. I am ever the believer that for work to get done of any kind, it must start from the inside out. And in order for any of that to happen, I need to sharpen the brain. It works now more toward what I suppose is its intended purpose (rather than accost me with anxiety and doubt, hurray!), but I find that atrophy over years has caused damage. Sloppy thinking, acceptance of what information I get without looking at it to see what it really means, or worse, what it hides, are habits that need to go. To that end I've bought Unspeak by Stephen Poole, a book I've long since wanted to read, and a book on critical thinking processes, among many others I have in a pile on a variety of topics, though not all are so heavy weighted.
What does it all mean? I have no idea. I sense a shift, much like I did last year. At that time, what I sensed was Change coming at full force. I have been grateful to be given that warning and was able to act on if for all the things that happened. (Don't be foolish and think I had a crystal ball, I didn't. But that intuition gave me the grace I needed to be able to turn the bow into the wave). Now, I think, is the continuation. Change doesn't happen without reason. I believe that last years changes are leading to a reordering of things now. I don't know what those things are, but I do sense that work is required this time around rather than fluidity before. I am doing my best to prepare for it.
Comments (1)
Change again.....ahhhh!!! (running for the bomb shelter)